Tales from

The Early Grave


A Damn Near Perfect Day

by | Jan 24, 2022 | Barrowmaze | 0 comments

A Damn Near Perfect Day

by | Jan 24, 2022 | Barrowmaze | 0 comments

Session Date: January 24, 2022
Creatures Encountered: Crocodile (8), Bullywug (2), Giant Frog (4), Lizardfolk Warriors (9)
XP: 314xp each (114 for Miguelle and Cousin Vickie)

We thought about gettin ourselves a piece of the mule action, get a piece of ass, so to speak, but we couldn’t settle on it before we hadta run out to the Barrows, so we just rent like we do. And this guy Stenwick, he’s kinda a weird dude, but he’s a guide, right? So Tooly tests him, pretending he’s gonna go the wrongway, and Stenwick, he catches it, so we know he’s good.

So anyway, we bring him all out—it’s a damn near perfect day, right? And we get to the bridge, and there’s all these crocs, right? So everyone’s talkin, and I’m going, what is this? So I rush on out, bring it on you chompy douchebags, down to shell, attracting these crocs, and they just swarm me, right? Like I’m surrounded by crocs. Crocs everywhere, right? And everyone’s just pickin ’em off, and then Miggy, that’s my brother Miguelle, right? He get scooped up by this big ass croc, right? CHOMP! Drags him inta the wata. And I dive in after him, and I can’t see shit. So I pick up this other croc and throw it at another croc, and I’m gettin pretty mad, y’know? Like, how’s a croc gonna take my brother? That’s messed up. SO anyway, Miggy wriggles his way out with some underwater ballet shit—like he never ceases to surprise me, y’know? And before I can even get myself situated, right, in comes cousin Vicki, shimmerin like a diamond, just flyin through the sky, and CRACK, crushes this croc in half, buckles the damn thing, and that’s the lasta these. But anyway, that’s how cousin Vicky got them nice new toothy earrings and the bag and whatnot.

So then Miggy, right, he’s all tired and whatnot, ’cause he kinda got used as a chew toy by this croc, right? And he’s goin, yeah, I could use a rest. And we’re going, yeah, of course, rest up, and these frog guys—what’re-faces—Bullywogs’r somethin. Anyway, these frog guys, they show up, and they’re all croakin and gesturin, and they want help, so we go sure, yeah, one green and swampy to another, amiright? And cousin VIcki, she’s a doll, right, she stay behind with Miggy, he’s goin, nah, I think I’ll rest, I’ll catch up, and she stays behind, right?

So we follow these Bullyfrogs’r whateva, and, y’know, they’re messin around with some lizardfolk or whatnot, and, like, listen. Lizardfolks’s no ones favorite, right? But you don’t mess with them, they don’t mess with you. And Juney—you know Juney, yeah? She’s all magical and smart and whatnot—anyway, Juney, she speaks some growly somethin at these Lizardfolk, and it’s like, they understand her, right? And she’s tellin ’em, she says, she says she tells them to chill out, right? Back away and whatnot, let’s talk it out all civilized. And the Lizardfolk, they back off, they do the thing, and the Bullywogs—Bullywugs? Damn, I dunno, the frog people, right? Anyway, they keep eggin on their giant toad buddies, and the giant toads start eatin’ the Lizardfolk. Yeah, there’s giant toads now, OK? Tryta keep up. Anyway, the giant toads’s eatin up these Lizardfolk like they’re nothin, just gobblin them up. And I take ona these big ass toads, and I lift it up away from the Lizardfolks and I say, I’ma kick all youse guys asses if you don’t cut this shit out. And these toads keep on fightin. And you know what?

These frog dudes, they come in and they start tryinta bite at Juney and stab her with their spears and whatnot. And Juney ain’t no fool, y’know? Like, she’s peaceable and whatnot, but you don’t mess with her. She’s from the shore’s much as anya us, y’know? So they find that out the hard way. She takes ’em both out, slash, stab, they down, ’cause they ain’t nothin, right? That’s ’cause, no matter what you look like, you don’t mess with the Torteltonis, y’know?

And anyway, I’m pullin’ these two Lizardfolk outta these giant toads, and they’re all dyin, and we do the best we can to save everyone, but, not gonna lie, they lost some people. That’s the truth. It’s sad. We did our best, but y’know, they was already fightin, right? Shoulda backed off and listened, but what can ya do?

Anyway, then Vicki and Miggy—I guess Tooly sent over Tiny Tony. That’s like Tooly’s little servant creature’re somethin. Anyway, Tiny Tony went out and got them, so Miggy didn’t even get to rest much, but they didn’t make it back until the fightin was over, see. And the frog guys and the big ass toads, they dead now, and the Lizard folk and Juney communicate and whatnot, and, like, they’re sad, ’cause they lost people, and I’m over here like, yeah, I feel that, but maybe don’t go lookin for trouble if you can’t hack it, y’know? These little guys out here way in over their head causin’ problems and whatnot. Damn.

But anyway, it was too late to go to the barrows after that, so we headed back to town for some zas.

Beautiful day, really. Beautiful.

So anyway, that’s my short paragraph

Report by

Frankie Tortletoni

Tortle Barbarian (Path of Wild Magic)
Old School RPGs - Available Now @ DriveThruRPG.com


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Featured Image: Crocodile Rock, created by DM Greg using TaleSpire